there’s no such thing as being fake queer or fake trans because these things are defined wholly by self-identification and behavior. if you want to be queer or trans but aren’t sure if you’re real enough, congratulations, you’re already there. the big secret is that almost…
How can I reconcile my queerness with a relationship with a straight cis man? He's perfect but I am feeling conflicted wrt my sexuality and identity.
Your queerness is personal. It belongs to you, existing and residing within the four walls of your person. It does not depend on who you’re fucking, who you’re in a relationship with, who you sleep next to at night.
Your queerness is immeasurable. It exists if you say it does, if you feel it in you. Don’t let any damn person tell you differently. Don’t let people gate-keep or proscribe what queerness it.
As far as possible, I avoid “coming out” or using any sort of label to explain myself, for a few reasons. Coming out stories make me roll my eyes. So you’ve been “out” for 10 years? What, does that make you realer than me? Queerer than me?
I tell friends and family when I’m dating someone important, but I’ve never sat anyone down and explained that I don’t identify, and why that’s a deliberate choice. I don’t explain that I don’t use the word “bisexual” because it usually means becoming suspect, or not being taken seriously. I don’t explain that using the words “lesbian,” “gay,” or “queer” makes me feel like an impostor, or somehow disconnected. I don’t say that I really only say “g-a-y” when I’m trying to make it perfectly clear that I’m not into you. I don’t explain that I say “dyke” when I really mean “fuck off.” I don’t say “I fall on a spectrum” because there is no sliding scale of queerness.
I use different words in different situations, which really goes to show that they’re not for me, they’re for you, so that you feel sure of what I am or how you should relate to me. But, I don’t want you to feel sure. I don’t give a shit if you’re confused. And I don’t want to be part of your club. You think you know me now, because I gave you a word? Can you trust me now? Don’t bother.