4. My queerness exists outside of who I fuck, who I date, who I’m crushing on. My queerness is inside me and has nothing to do with anyone else.
5. Bisexuals are not just straight people on vacation. The four years I spent in a relationship was not a “phase” or some fluke or something I thought would just be a fun way to spend my time. It is insulting, trivializing, and disrespectful to me and my relationship to suggest that it was. And yes, you are doing this by asking if I’m going “back to boys.”
6. Bisexuality also doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to alternate relationships by gender?? Please get a clue.
7. Not your fucking business. You’re a (straight or gay) monosexual and everything is simple and predictable for you. Super. Being queer or bisexual is different. Don’t understand queerness and/or bisexuality? Not my problem. You don’t get to ask invasive questions about people’s personal lives for your own entertainment or education, especially when you’re not even asking the person directly.
I’m just thinking about how so often people say that other people always let you down or disappoint you, but other people also always continue to amaze me with their resiliency, strength, and power. Re-thinking the capacity in all of us. It is so much greater than we realize.
As far as possible, I avoid “coming out” or using any sort of label to explain myself, for a few reasons. Coming out stories make me roll my eyes. So you’ve been “out” for 10 years? What, does that make you realer than me? Queerer than me?
I tell friends and family when I’m dating someone important, but I’ve never sat anyone down and explained that I don’t identify, and why that’s a deliberate choice. I don’t explain that I don’t use the word “bisexual” because it usually means becoming suspect, or not being taken seriously. I don’t explain that using the words “lesbian,” “gay,” or “queer” makes me feel like an impostor, or somehow disconnected. I don’t say that I really only say “g-a-y” when I’m trying to make it perfectly clear that I’m not into you. I don’t explain that I say “dyke” when I really mean “fuck off.” I don’t say “I fall on a spectrum” because there is no sliding scale of queerness.
I use different words in different situations, which really goes to show that they’re not for me, they’re for you, so that you feel sure of what I am or how you should relate to me. But, I don’t want you to feel sure. I don’t give a shit if you’re confused. And I don’t want to be part of your club. You think you know me now, because I gave you a word? Can you trust me now? Don’t bother.